The live radio performance was a big deal for me. I’d played on the air several times before as part of ensembles, but this was my first solo broadcast concert. After the performance, calls, texts, and emails came in from friends who had listened and the response was overwhelmingly positive. I didn’t think much about the fact that one of my closest friends hadn’t reached out to me, which was why, a week later, I was stunned when I made reference to having played that broadcast and he replied,
“I heard it.”
And then he stopped.
Silence.
I waited.
The silence grew uncomfortable.
Finally, in a pained voice, he added, “It sounded like you had fun.”
More silence.
Deep breath.
New conversational topic.
Welcome to the ugly side of putting ourselves and our music out there for public opinion. As musicians, we give lip service to the idea that we don’t need our friends to love our music, but in reality every one of us has a secret hope that everything we do will be met with applause from the people we care about. When it’s not, it’s difficult to separate our friendships from our hurt feelings. We feel betrayed and unsupported. And we forget that just as we have things we don’t relate to, so do our friends.
This radio broadcast isn’t the only time I’ve had an awkward response to my creative work and it won’t be the last. And as much as I’d like to paint myself as the victim of bad friends, I’ve spent enough time on the other side of this problem to know just how difficult it is to think of something to say when a friend shares a piece of work that you simply don’t like. In that moment when you’re confronted with a creative effort that you want to enjoy but just can’t, you need ideas of how to support your friend without being insincere. There are many ways to do this, but here are my thoughts on how to preserve a friendship regardless of whether you’re the one receiving or giving a response to a creative endeavor.
When you’re the artist
Don’t expect applause. Most of your friends and family will be effusive, but not all of them. Let them have their responses, honor the good parts of your relationship with them, and perhaps don’t ask them for feedback on your next project.
There may be many reasons why people you thought would love your work aren’t praising you for your efforts. They may not like what you presented. They may be too busy to listen to your recording or read your book. They may have taken the time to listen to or read your work but they don’t understand it and don’t know what to say about it so they stay silent. And this is a crucial reason: they may not operate by the same friendship metrics that you do. There are numerous possible reasons someone may not have responded the way we’d hoped other than “they hated it” or “it sucked.”
It’s easy to type these words but it took me a long time to emotionally disengage from my own hurt feelings when I gave friends copies of my novel in 2018 and am still waiting to receive responses from a couple of them. But my friends aren’t my audience. They’re my friends. Several of those non-responders have been there for me through all the difficult and beautiful chapters of my life since that book was released. Their love is worth far more than whatever praise they could offer me today. These beloved friends have taught me how to stop asking more from them than they’re able to give me and to find my accolades elsewhere.
When you’re the friend
Several years ago a vocalist friend sent me recordings of music he’d written, recorded, and released into the wild. I know he hoped I’d love the album. I didn’t. I really didn’t. Suddenly I knew what it was like to be on the other side of the “it’s not for me” dilemma. I struggled with it. I tried to like it. Eventually I contacted him and told him the things I liked about the music and just left it there.
How do we respond when a friend puts out artistic work we don’t like? I struggle with this every rare time this happens in my own life. What I finally decided is to respond as I’d like to be treated when I share my work with friends.
Listen to the recording. Read the book. Go to the art show. Attend the concert. This is your friend and you owe those you care about the respect of your time and attention when they share one of their creations.
Find something you like in the work and praise that. Praise your friend for taking the creative risk. Keep your comments positive but truthful. If the work really, truly doesn’t speak to you, admit that you’re not the right audience for the work, but then praise your friend for putting it out and encourage them to find their audience.
Whatever you do, respond. When a close friend trusts you with creative work and wants feedback, silence is an insult. Find the positive. Emphasize that.
Reciprocity
Friendship is an equal relationship that thrives on mutual respect and mutual support. As good friends and decent human beings, we owe it to the people in our lives to show up for their big moments, to support their efforts, and to encourage them. Guard against artistic self-absorption—an easy trap we all risk falling into where we keep asking for accolades from our friends but don’t support their efforts in return. And if you’re the friend who’s always propping everyone up but getting no support in return? Consider investing less emotional energy into a relationship in which you’re treated like a fan or a publicist, not a friend. Most of all, choose to be generous. Because in the end, what matters will most likely not be that performance or recording, but the warmth and love of cherished relationships, enjoyed for decades. Friendships that carry us through the best and the worst times of our lives. Friendships that outlast time.
Photo by fr0ggy5, courtesy of Upsplash