The danger of foul weather friends
Every musician I know has experienced a version of this story: you achieve something big—something that catapults you from one level of your career to another—and you call your friends, colleagues, and family with the great news. Most celebrate with you. But, all too often, one (or more) says or does something designed to undermine your confidence and destroy the joy you feel about your accomplishment.
Welcome to the world of foul weather friends. I’ve uncovered them at every stage of my career, and even though I’ve become better at brushing off their envy, it’s always a painful experience. Foul weather friends are frequently the ones with whom you’re closest. They may be best friends, work colleagues, or even members of your family. You don’t know who they are until you either match or exceed their level of success.That’s when the claws come out.
The musical world is full of foul weather friends. In our competitive industry where another’s success is seen as a threat, cattiness and downright nastiness erupts easily. Rather than seeing a friend’s accomplishments as an encouragement to pursue their own dreams, foul weather friends see others’ successes as threats they need to eradicate. These sad souls live life with a scarcity mentality. Many are blocked creatively or repressed. Almost all of them believe that others’ success belittles them in some way. They hold an unspoken contract for your relationship with them that keeps you in an inferior or equal relationship with them. They’ll do all they can to pull you back down to where they believe you belong.
The first time I uncovered a foul weather friend I made the mistake of believing what she said and I questioned myself and my abilities. It undercut my confidence in one of my performances. As my career advanced, so did her attacks, until one day I discovered that she was spreading lies around the music teaching community that I’d been fired from a church job. That’s when I finally walked away from what I’d thought was a friendship. Since that initial experience, I’ve become better about dealing with foul weather friends the moment they show their true selves.
I’m not the only musician who has had friendships crash on these shoals, and given the inevitability of uncovering a foul weather friend, how do we protect ourselves? It’s never painless, but here are things I consider when I’m treated badly by someone I thought wanted the best for me:
Self analysis
Before confronting anyone, look within. Ask yourself if you’re feeling sensitive that day or if you may have misinterpreted something your friend said. We all have low self confidence days. If, after a day or so, your friend’s comment still hurts, gently ask them about it. If the sting has gone out of what your friend said, let it go. But pay attention to how this friend reacts to your next success. Forewarned is forearmed.
Friend analysis
Is your friend having a bad day or going through a rough patch? Did you catch her in the middle of an argument with her kid or right after he got some really bad news? Again, take some time to analyze the situation before you react. Bring your news up again at a later date and gauge the response. If it’s still hostile, that’s when you act.
If you uncover a true foul weather friend, accept the truth of what you’ve discovered and be prepared to take action. For the sake of our creativity, talent, happiness, and self-worth, it’s critical to protect ourselves from the damage foul weather friends inflict on their chosen victims. I don’t exaggerate when I write that creatives need to create in order to be internally alive. Foul weather friends are a direct threat to the very thing that we’re put on the earth to do. This is why—regardless of how close we’ve been to them over the years—we must distance ourselves from them in order to save ourselves. They can’t be managed or charmed out of their behavior. They created the problem inside of themselves and only they can choose to behave otherwise. That said, breaking away can be tricky. Here are my thoughts on how to distance yourself with the least amount of damage.
Friend
If your foul weather friend is a buddy, my advice is to quietly back away from the friendship. Yes, I can hear the howls of protest, but consider this: someone who isn’t supportive of you and your successes isn’t a true friend. They violated your trust and the implied goodwill contract between the two of you when they chose to attack or undermine you. There’s no need for a dramatic showdown. In fact, I don’t recommend one because the foul weather friend is just looking for another excuse to wound you again. Just be less available. Slip away quietly. If your former friend confronts you about this, state your reasons as unemotionally as possible. There will likely be histrionics, blame, and possible gaslighting and accusations, but hold your ground. Don’t let them past your “wall of polite.”
Colleague
If your foul weather friend is a work colleague, breaking away can be more challenging. You may need to see this person every day on your job. Perhaps this individual is a member of the same teaching or playing group you’re part of. If this description applies to your foul weather friend, plan to keep your distance as much as possible, stay polite, and keep quiet about your successes. If they’re that envious of you, they’re already following what you’re doing anyway. Just do your job and keep your own counsel.
Family member
Nothing cuts more deeply than when the foul weather friend is a member of your family. Nothing. Sometimes it’s a sibling or a cousin. In worse situations, it’s a parent. When the people who—by blood—should be your biggest cheerleaders try to destroy you, your confidence and your happiness, embrace the power of silence. When you are the one who has succeeded where others have failed, there’s nothing you can do to placate an envious brother or mother who longs to see you brought down. When you can’t walk away from this person, the only other option is to protect yourself by telling them little about your life. Accept that you’ll never receive support and validation from them and seek it elsewhere. Learn to ask leading questions when you speak to them; most of the time they just want to talk about themselves anyway. If they ask about your work, be vague and change the subject back to them as soon as you can. Family holidays will be much more peaceful and you can love the parts of them that aren’t looking for you to fail.
I write this advice from personal experience. In my professional and personal life I’ve found foul weather friends in my social circle, in colleagues, and even members of my family. The attacks, when they come, never stop feeling like a betrayal, but as I’ve learned to navigate the messiness that is interacting with other humans, I assure you that it’s possible to learn to protect yourself. The best part? In every situation when I’ve needed to walk away from an unhealthy friendship, I’ve found new friends who celebrate with me when I succeed. And knowing the damage foul weather friends cause has given me guidance on how to be a better, more supportive friend to the creative, successful people in my life.
Photo by Nikko Balanial, courtesy of UpSplash