The well mannered musician

Sep 12

Year ago while I was working as a piano teacher on a world cruise, a guest pianist came on board to perform a couple of concerts. She played well. Her music was accessible. She was friendly. But when the cruise director was asked to rate her as an entertainer, he dismissed her as “unpolished” and recommended that she not be rehired for another gig. Why? Because of etiquette. She’d landed in a setting where all of her talent couldn’t keep her from being judged on her clothes and manners, and she probably never knew why her career suffered because of it.

I have an advanced degree in music but other than training me how to act in performances, no school or instructor ever discussed the importance of knowing how to present ourselves well off stage. No one taught us how how to dress, how to shake hands, how to introduce ourselves, or how to feel at home when dining in a formal setting. This is unfortunate given how often classical musicians are expected to interact with people in multiple settings and from all levels of society.

Socializing with arts donors, attending drinks parties and formal dinners, knowing how to dress, sit, shake hands, and speak well—these things can make or break a musician’s career. Why? Because unless you’re hugely successful in a genre of music that rewards antisocial behavior, people prefer working with musicians who know the subtle rules of polite society. Being well mannered isn’t snobbish or elitist; it’s a way to interact graciously with others. It’s also an unspoken requirement for career success.

Musicians aren’t the only ones lacking proper training in genteel social skills. Professionals of every discipline need an understanding of proper etiquette, and sadly the manners and etiquette that were once part of society and family life have disappeared. The result? People are launched into careers with no understanding of how to act or present themselves. Many times they don’t know how badly they need this training until they start losing jobs or opportunities because of their lack of social polish. Perhaps that’s why William Hanson, the “Etiquette Guy” on TikTok, has 2.8 million followers who study his videos for advice on how to act and present themselves better in public.

Because few of us were raised with perfect etiquette, we must choose to train ourselves. The first step is to understand that the purpose of good etiquette isn’t to impress other people but to make them feel comfortable in our presence. Dressing poorly, talking too loudly (or too much), not knowing proper table manners—these things make others uncomfortable and reflect badly on us. Good etiquette isn’t just knowing which fork to use, it’s a way of treating the other people around us. It’s understanding that knowledge of these things allows us to “act like we’ve been there before,” giving us the confidence and poise to interact graciously with anyone, anywhere, anytime.

What are some of the most important things musicians need to know about presenting themselves well in public? Here’s my list of must-haves:

How to dress appropriately for any occasion
How to present a groomed, elegant appearance from head to shoes
How to greet, shake hands, and speak confidently with strangers
How to make appropriate small talk
How to behave at a cocktail party
How to dine in a formal setting

I don’t have flawless etiquette, but experience has taught me the value of paying attention, learning, and filling in the gaps in my knowledge with advice from others. The time spent learning these things has paid off handsomely. If you (like I) weren’t raised with a silver spoon (or multi-utensil place settings), consider brushing up your knowledge using some of these resources. I guarantee that any time or money spent acquiring good etiquette will pay a lifetime of professional and personal dividends.